“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“Huge”.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Not recommended for beginners.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.