“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
happy friday
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.