“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.