Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.