I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?