[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation