My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
What kind of a cult is this?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.