@TheMichaelRock: I'm straight, but I'm not "wouldn't spoon with George Clooney" straight.
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@Playing_Dad: If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
@myonlymizztake: T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I'm literally dying! T-Rex mom: don't be so dramatic...
@mrnickharvey: Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It's unlikely that they experience fear. They're not self-aware, so... Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
@CulturedRuffian: Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train? Publicist: Let's call the guy who named the movie 'Snakes On A Plane'.