So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
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Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
this is the best day of my life
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.