I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic