@aveuaskew: I'm supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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@TheTimmyToes: [on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
@TommyWallace: "Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil's avocado sometimes" Teacher: devil's advocate? Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.