I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
You Might Also Like
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
a badder mouse
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!