me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.