My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
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How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Vodka burrito was a success