@daemonic3: FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It's been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
@DannyZuker: My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
@RedemptionAJ: Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
@suzieQ0007: People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I'll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
@Heissarcastic: Person is typing...
Person is typing...
Person is typing...
Person is typing...
Person is typing...
Person is typing...
Person says: hi
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