I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.