I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.