@MissNaughty1801: I'm surprised my son doesn't think his name is 'stopit'
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@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
@TastyTuneTweets: Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like "You Can Do it" or "Ramen Noodles Aren't So Bad" when you check your sad Account Balance
@hazelmotes1: One day you'll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you're thinking right now
@robdelaney: The contents of my son's last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.