Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
#DesignFail
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal