I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”