Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?