@david8hughes: "I'm telling you, it's all or nothing," the exterminator explains to Noah, "I can't just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn't work like that."
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@withanewname: Yoga? No thank you. I'll download an app to my phone so I don't have to stretch for the remote.
@fro_vo: [Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
@J0hnnyBlaze: "Omg, I literally just died" -people who literally don't know what literally means
@JohnLyonTweets: [hell] Me: Why am I here? Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.