I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Why soy sad?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Received some very disappointing news today
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Just parrot things
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down