I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.