@osoplain: I'm texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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@uncle_fescue: Judge: jury, how do you find the defendant? Me: [whispering] dude, he's like…right there. Judge: there's no talking Me: [pointing]
@Bearslietoo: The people you lose sleep over don't lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM....
@duplicitron: Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.
@interwebmemes: 2016: No way will Trump win the election 2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes 2018: No way we're doing what those Apes say