I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Any refunds available?…
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much