I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”