Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
A wise man once said nothing.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!