@Underchilde: I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.

@EndhooS: Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]

@3Snowbee3: Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

@Parkerlawyer: My client's (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I'm obviously doing my job right.

@DionneMcNutt: I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.