I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
reviewed some movies recently
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?