I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
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Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?