I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.