I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Goat cheese is for herders.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.