“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.