I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
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ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
mariah carrie
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Florida be like…
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…