I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?