I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
reviewed some movies recently
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]