“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.