I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
You Might Also Like
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”