@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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@JessG828: Kid just asked "why is it called 'flipping the bird'? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle." I can't even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
@Just_Lee_: The world is full of terrible people, but there's none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.
@thenatewolf: *Friend is sinking in quicksand* Get help before I drown! *I start to run, stop, jog back to friend* Technically you're not drow- NATE!
@IrishVin: Me: Can I buy that chandelier? Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself? Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling.