@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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@dlockw21: Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.
@shatterpants: If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it's that obese people can be accepted...so long as they know kung fu.
@djdarrellripley: Me: (Sigh) There she is. Him: Sounds like you're still carrying a torch for her. Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
@Book_Krazy: Boss: It's almost quitting time. Drinks? Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself. Boss:...