I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell