I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
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my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The funk soul brother
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit