I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]