I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.