I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…