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@LuckoftheDraw86: I'm THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
@panthersblondie: Me: Do you love me?
Husband: if you don't tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.
@BillFienberg: I'm 25, which means I'm just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I'm still way closer to 10.
@mjkspeaks: I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
@SwoonTwang: Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?
@david8hughes: [drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
"Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock."
"Not a chance. He's your problem now."