I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
There’s only one good girl here!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
🤣✨#caturday
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑