@gorrdano: I'm throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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@KalvinMacleod: [speed dating] ME: I like your hair HER: OK ME: And your teeth are so smiley HER: You know this is a job interview, right? ME: *rings bell*
@thepatrickwalsh: Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn't include the word "hotshot."
@TheWoodenslurpy: If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
@jctwritesstuff: *gets up off bed* *puts pants back on* Oh...so you...you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?