@gorrdano: I'm throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
@ibid78: [raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes? [instructor] that's not what we- [me] I just hate boxes so damn much
@shutupmikeginn: if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
@Book_Krazy: Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday