I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.