@gorrdano: I'm throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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@Rollmaninoz: Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
@TheMichaelRock: You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I'm like that, but with salad.
@just1fool: My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.
@NewDadNotes: [parking garage] FBI: got the file? Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent] FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing