I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not