I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!