I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
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Education is vital
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Yes
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
(2022)
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW