I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”