I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day