@delusionaliam: Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if a guy is not a vampire.

@EndhooS: "Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek" Yeah "Can you demonstrate?" Sure, count to 10 *Counts to 10 & opens eyes* *I'm literally on fire*

@fuzzlime: Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me! [wakes up on bathroom rug]

@omgthatspunny: Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.

@HatfieldAnne: When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.