“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct