*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.